The original piano version of Pictures at an Exhibition is pretty sick.

Lincoln’s Second Inaugural Address:

At this second appearing to take the oath of the presidential office, there is less occasion for an extended address than there was at the first. Then a statement, somewhat in detail, of a course to be pursued, seemed fitting and proper. Now, at the expiration of four years, during which public declarations have been constantly called forth on every point and phase of the great contest which still absorbs the attention, and engrosses the energies of the nation, little that is new could be presented. The progress of our arms, upon which all else chiefly depends, is as well known to the public as to myself; and it is, I trust, reasonably satisfactory and encouraging to all. With high hope for the future, no prediction in regard to it is ventured.

On the occasion corresponding to this four years ago, all thoughts were anxiously directed to an impending civil war. All dreaded it–all sought to avert it. While the inaugural address was being delivered from this place, devoted altogether to saving the Union without war, insurgent agents were in the city seeking to destroy it without war–seeking to dissolve the Union, and divide effects, by negotiation. Both parties deprecated war; but one of them would make war rather than let the nation survive; and the other would accept war rather than let it perish. And the war came.

One eighth of the whole population were colored slaves, not distributed generally over the Union, but localized in the Southern part of it. These slaves constituted a peculiar and powerful interest. All knew that this interest was, somehow, the cause of the war. To strengthen, perpetuate, and extend this interest was the object for which the insurgents would rend the Union, even by war; while the government claimed no right to do more than to restrict the territorial enlargement of it. Neither party expected for the war, the magnitude, or the duration, which it has already attained. Neither anticipated that the cause of the conflict might cease with, or even before, the conflict itself should cease. Each looked for an easier triumph, and a result less fundamental and astounding. Both read the same Bible, and pray to the same God; and each invokes His aid against the other. It may seem strange that any men should dare to ask a just God’s assistance in wringing their bread from the sweat of other men’s faces; but let us judge not that we be not judged. The prayers of both could not be answered; that of neither has been answered fully. The Almighty has his own purposes. “Woe unto the world because of offences! for it must needs be that offences come; but woe to that man by whom the offence cometh!” If we shall suppose that American Slavery is one of those offences which, in the providence of God, must needs come, but which, having continued through His appointed time, He now wills to remove, and that He gives to both North and South, this terrible war, as the woe due to those by whom the offence came, shall we discern therein any departure from those divine attributes which the believers in a Living God always ascribe to Him? Fondly do we hope–fervently do we pray–that this mighty scourge of war may speedily pass away. Yet, if God wills that it continue, until all the wealth piled by the bond-man’s two hundred and fifty years of unrequited toil shall be sunk, and until every drop of blood drawn with the lash, shall be paid by another drawn with the sword, as was said three thousand years ago, so still it must be said “the judgments of the Lord, are true and righteous altogether.”

With malice toward none; with charity for all; with firmness in the right, as God gives us to see the right, let us strive on to finish the work we are in; to bind up the nation’s wounds; to care for him who shall have borne the battle, and for his widow, and his orphan–to do all which may achieve and cherish a just and lasting peace, among ourselves, and with all nations.

i’ve got some time to kill before i go to bed.  i should just go to bed since it’s going to be a busy week, but i don’t feel like it, so i have a choice between (1) writing people back on facebook whose messages i have been lazily neglecting, (2) browsing craigslist missed connections in hopes that may there’s one that says tall, shaved head guy running in balboa park, or (3) writing here.  well, or i could read a book, but again, the laziness.

i had a huge deadline at work come and go last friday night, and everything got out on time.  this weekend was a huge relief, but also a major waste of time, spent mostly playing scrabble, sleeping, and thinking through this appeal brief i have to rewrite (but not actually writing — just thinking about how great it will be to get praise for having rewritten it well).  it’s hard been so stressed the majority of the time, because when i do get these windows with nothing to do, i have no idea what to do with myself.  maybe nothing is an acceptable answer, but it seems like shopping, or playing clarinet, or sitting at a coffee shop would be better — just something concrete to have done with 48 hours that are going to be forgotten anyway, but now even more quickly than they otherwise would be.

do you ever feel like life is passing you by but you’re powerless to do anything about it?  or not powerless so much as not sure what to do.  with me it’s a mixture.  part of the problem is i don’t know where to start.  the other part is that the ideas i have are terrifying, so i don’t.

whenever i listen to wind ensemble music, i’m catapulted back to high school.  it was the last time i seriously played wind-centric music, and there is a lot about it i miss.  for whatever reason, good professional wind ensembles don’t really exist.  nor do strong community ones.  the community wind ensemble is home to the lowest common denominator:  anyone whose aunt bought them a clarinet at a yard sale and gave it to them even though they’ve never played, or anyone who played saxophone in high school 30 years ago but not since.  that’s the crowd of players you’re dealing with.  and as for the pros, i don’t know if it’s a matter of there not being enough good repertoire, or there not being good repertorie because there are no pros, or any repertorie there is being 20th century and therefore unable to attract the dinosaur crowds that attend most classical performances, or some combination.  but so it is. 

there are good pieces though.  persichetti!  giannini!  holst!  but i forget about them, until one day one pops up in my playlist and i’m transported back in time.

there’s something about wind music that reaches a different part of my emotional spectrum that orchestral stuff.  it’s this sense of naive yearning.  there’s sadness, but it’s a knowing sadness.  knowing but naive?  yes.  conscious that it’s sheltered, but embracing the shelter.  hopeful even though on some level it knows that hope is pointless.   but it hopes not all hope is. 

maybe it’s not the music itself so much as what it brings back in me.  i connect it inextricably to a much earlier time in my life, and maybe that’s why it brings back those feelings of so long ago, but through the lens of today.  i look back on myself then as naive, even though i was blissfully unaware at the time.  but there’s a contentment in knowing that i had to grow through that, that it’s shaped who i am and made me a better person, that there are parts of me from that time i will never outgrow — remnants of an earlier age — even though it might be better if i did.

for better or worse, i live each day trying to prove i’m a worthwhile person.  fearing that i’m not and that i’ll be uncovered!  i didn’t know that’s what i was doing then.  i know it’s what i’m doing now.  and i can’t stop — the feelings of inadequacy will always be with me.  i can say to myself, “this is irrational;” i can try to talk myself out of it.  but it will never work completely — some doubt will still remain and an iota of doubt poisons the well. 

we all make choices and i’m not complaining about mine.  but it will be interesting if one day, in many years, i look back on myself now and say “wow, i was naive.”  even as i know that i had to go through it.

it’s somewhat arbitrary to make resolutions at the beginning of each year, since the division of time into the unit of years is arbitrary, although tied to a natural phenomenon.  i make decisions at random times, and i’m more apt to stick to a decision made at my own pace, motivated by some event or feeling i get on a given day, not dictated by the pages of the calendar.  in 2007 i became a vegetarian and lost 50 lbs., and neither decision grew out of a resolution i made on jan. 1.  (i always resolve to exercise more, but that didn’t get seriously implemented until a super-busy period at work in february convinced me i need to keep something in my life that was just for me.)  but new year’s resolutions serve a purpose nonetheless.  it’s arbitrary, but sometimes you need an outside influence to momentarily disrupt your aimless drift through life and force you to reflect. 

this year, it’s a little less arbitrary.  i had a crazy december at work, and a huge deadline on dec. 26,  and billed aout 250 hours this month.  i was on track for over 300, but immediately stopped work on the 26th and haven’t looked back.  i was at depositions in detroit for a week, then in minneapolis working on expert reports for a week, then in northern CA for a week visitng my parents.  i just got back to SD yesterday, for the first time in weeks, and it is so nice to just sit on my own couch with my cats and browse the internet.

super busy times at work always prompt me to reflect.  they suck so much out of me and direct it toward a faceless corporation (my firm) and faceless clients.  and that’s ok.  i love my firm.  but it always makes me question… how is what i’m doing today advancing where i ultimately want to be in 10 years?  and what can i do to make sure that i’m investing in the present me — in enjoying these days of my life rather than suffering now in hopes of future enjoyment?

i have to admit that i don’t know the answer to the first question, and my answer to the second isn’t satisfactory.  i want to be a judge 10-15 years from now.  is busting my ass at a firm going to get me there?  i don’t know.  ideally, i’d just spend 15 years at my firm, then get appointed to the bench.  but that’s much rarer these days, and at some point i’ll probably have to take a government job.  when is the optimal time to make that move?  and what can i do now to make sure i move to the best place possible?  more questions i can’t answer.  but i know that whatever i do next, i’ll need connections i make at my current firm to help me get there, so i think working hard now and impressing as many people as possible is rational, even if it takes away energy from other areas of my life.

what can i do to make my present life better?  i guess that’s where the resolutions come in.  i need to start lifting weights and doing sit-ups.  running is great, but i still have a belly, and my arms are fucking stick thin.  i need to start playing clarinet again.  i have a million things to repair around my apartment.  i’d like to buy some art to decorate my apartment and office.

i’d also like to publish a law review article or two.  i’ve already written one article, available online at https://id304.securedata.net/abtl/report/sd/abtl-report-summer-2007.pdf  (i am shameless at promoting myself, athough i should note that my face is no longer as cherubic as it appears in the picture there.)  it was a lot of fun to write, and prompted me to think more deeply about substantive patent law than i otherwise would have, although ultimately it is for a generalist legal publication and therefore simplified.

i guess most importantly i should go on some dates.  it freaks me out, and i don’t know how i should go about it.  online dating seems the most likely.  i get lonely, and i don’t want to be alone.  it’s not necessarily that i want to find the right person overnight.  but, realistically, i’m going to have to go through a few people before i find the right one, and the sooner i start going through them, the sooner i find the right person.  and maybe, if i’m incredibly lucky, i do find the right one immediately.

it’s so strange to think that i have no idea where i’ll be in five years.  relationship-wise; career-wise.  the only thing that seems relatively certain is that i’ll have the same two cats, since they’ve each got at least another 10, probably closer to 15 years left.  the uncertainity has always been there:  when i started tech, i had no idea i’d be entering law school in five years.  when i started law school, i had no idea i’d be in San Diego in five years.  but i always had plans, even if they didn’t materialize.  now i have an end goal, a prenest location, and ZERO idea how I will navigate between them.

maybe a good resolution is to try and figure that out.

is it better to love or be loved?  is it inevitable that you take on one of those roles in a relationship more than the other?  are certain types of people prone to each role?  which am i?  is it ok?

i think i’m more of a “to love” person, which unfortunately means i get the short end of the stick.  although, if you spend all your time being loved, maybe you could do better?  i’d rather be hopelessly infatuated with someone who’s sort of into me than to have a retarded person i don’t respect hanging on my every word.  so maybe it’s fortunate that i always find myself in the former situation rather than the latter.

people don’t change.

is that true?  more so than we want to believe or admit to ourselves.  i’ve spent countless years trying to change people — or rather, sitting idly by HOPING they’d change and LOVE ME — only to realize it was all a waste.  does that mean i’ll never change, that the things i think are wrong with me are hopelessly fixed?  and can we live that way?  even if nothing ever changes about us, is it better to indulge the fantasy that we can change so that we continue to try?  is there value in trying apart from succeeding?  and is there joy in those minutes you spend with someone, hoping that they’ll learn to love you, those minutes before you realize they never will.

sometimes harder is easier.  by declaring something difficult, it’s more palatable to justify not making any progress toward achieving it.  or giving up all together.  but other times it’s just hard.  i don’t know which this is.

i weigh 180 lbs today, which is 45-50 lbs less than i weighed in march.  i definitely feel smaller, and i’ve dropped several pants sizes, but i still have a lot of flab on my stomach, and like, no muscle.  it’s hard to remember what my body looked like when i weighed 225-230, even though it was like that for a couple years, so the transformation doesn’t strike me as being as drastic as it probably is.  i have 10-15 more lbs of fat to lose before phase 2, the weight lifting/muscle building phase begins.

i’m not getting any younger.  maybe that’s melodramatic for someone who is 26 to say; still true though.  i see this as my last chance to have a good body — to look young and act young and be young.  there’s no need to really despair until you turn 40, but 30 is a warning marker whether you like it or not.  there’s a lot of things you should have checked off your list during your 20s, and i’d rather not come up short.

how can you not know?  it’s like looking up at the sky and not knowing whether it is day or night.  or holding an object, unable to say whether it’s a piece of ice or a hot coal.  it must be one or the other, and from our earliest moments, when we have a real consciousness, can process and understand language rather than passively absorb the world around us, we know which is which.  you would think so, anyway.  there’s no set of procedures you can follow to deduce the correct answer, because it any manual would be attempting to explain the unexplainable.  you know something is hot because it feels hot and you know what hot feels like.  and so you float along, not knowing, not sure how to know; all you can do it wait.  i’m not sure for what.  at least there is plenty to occupy yourself with in the meantime.

(1)  the american string quartet (the ensemble) rocks.  last night, i saw them play the beethoven op. 130 quartet (with the grosse fugue as the finale).  incredible.  btw, late beethoven is wonderfully fucked up music.  i mean, the grosse fugue is basically 16 minutes of complete, unapologetic insanity.  it still sounds like modern music to me, even 180 years after it was written.

(2)  in a related note, i think string quartet is probably the highest form of chamber music with the best overall acoustic effect.  piano trios can be entertaining, but the sound is often thin and the piano can dominate a bit too much.  (although the piano trios of mendelssoh, smetena, and shostakovich show this can be a very effective grouping at times.)  piano quintets are entertaining, but there’s this inevitable separateness between the piano and the strings that is disconcerting to me.  by contrast, all four players in a string quartet truly inhabit each other’s sound in a way that no other combination of instruments can pull off.  maybe one day i’ll stop being lazy and do some more in-depth reviews of the pieces i’ve been watching at this festival, because i’m developing a lot of opinions as i watch stuff.  (schubert trout quintet, kind of a turd.  why so popular?  schubert death and the maiden quartet, one of the crowing achievements of the 19th century.)

(3)  i bought these wonderfully comfortable boxer briefs and wore them for the first time the other day.  they’re wonderful, except that there’s no fly on the front.  like, none at all.  this i did not notice until i walked up to the urinal and spent a couple minutes clawing at myself trying to find the opening.  and there was someone who walked up to the adjacent urinal and observed the second half of this, then saw me give up, go into a stall and pee sitting down like an animal.  awk-ward.  i mean, WHY would you make men’s underwear with no fly?  i didn’t know there was such a thing.

(4)  i have a mixture of incredibly low self-esteem and an incredibly inflated sense of how great i am.  like, if i were someone that i’d several extended conversations with and clicked with, i would call me back.  so it’s just kind of appalling when someone else would not do so.  i mean, i hear all these stories about people going on dates and never getting called back.  i never thought i would be in a comparable position.  i mean, LOOK at me.

I’ve been blown away by the first two nights of the La Jolla Chamber Music Festival.  It’s a 23-day, 16 concert extravaganza that I am SO lucky is in San Diego.  I’m planning on going to all of them.  I haven’t been to many chamber music concerts, other than a couple at UCLA and some Caltech ones.  It’s an emotional experience.  The La Jolla ones are in this intimate, 400 seat theater, and I’m about 7 rows back from the performers.  The programs have been awesome, as have the artists.  Last night was some Dvorak Slavonic Dances (four hands piano), the Smetena Piano Trio, and the Brahms Piano Quintet.  Tonight was the Mendelssohn String Quartet #2, Op. 13, Shostakovich Two Pieces for String Octet, Op. 11, Mendelssohn Piano Trio #1, Dvorak Trio for Two Violins & Viola, and the Schumann Piano Quintet, Op. 44.  That’s so much music packed into two nights, and there are still 14 concerts to go.  (There are a couple nights that are kind of eh, but I’d say that pretty much every night has at least one piece that I’m dying to see.) 

I’m too lazy to go on and on about each piece.  To summarize, I wasn’t familar with the Shostakovich Octet, but it’s a characteristically awesome piece.  The Smetana is a great piece, that I’m glad was programmed, since I have a recording, but I imagine it’s not performed as much as some other piano trios.  The Brahms was smoking.  As for tonight, the Schumann is a great piece, and it was a fine performance by the Shanghai Quartet and this pianist that also played the piano part of the Brahms last night.  I think Mendelssohn stole the show though.  I wasn’t familar with the string quartet, but it is something!  As soon as I got home I got myself a recording.  The quartet was actually part of a pre-concert concert by the Escher String Quartet, who I was very impressed by.  The trio was incredible too, played by three very expressive women who were all totally into the music.  I’d have to say that one of the things that’s most enjoyable about watching a live performance is seeing the players get carried away with the music, and the collective energy — it makes the piece convey something more than any recording can. 

Highlights coming up in the concerts this week:  Beethoven: Piano Trio #1, String Quartet Op. 18, No. 6, Bartok: Contrasts for Clarinet, Violin, Piano (sooo excited to see this); Ravel Violin Sonata, Brahms String Sextet #2, Barber String Quartet Op. 11.  Woo-hoo!!