May 22, 2008
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A number of events that are vexing and would be even more vexing if I have time to dwell on them: Infatuation with an inappropriate person; having a stream of ugly people interested in me while a stream of attractive people are responsive but show no real enthuasism; being too fat; feeling like my life needs new direction but not having the energy or inspiration to redirect it.
One problem I have is that, where some things are concerned, I am an emotional child. I didn’t have good social skills when I was younger. I don’t now. So I have far less experience interacting with people than is normal for my age, far less experience falling for someone than most people my age, and far less experience parsing that feeling, pursuing it (i.e., actually making it so someone might reciproacte), and far less experience dealing with rejection. So I lash out. I am impulsive. I say inappropriate things. I have inappropriate feelings. Fascination becomes repulsion; happiness becomes despair; and on and on — all at the smallest shift in the winds, any tiny social cue that may not actually be a cue that I take as a slight. And I am all too willing to assume the worst, never having had the best and not having enough self-confidence to believe I deserve anything more.
Emotional immaturity propels me into crushes. And I move from one crush to the next. I want to stop myself from doing something stupid on account of these crushes, but it is very, very hard. Paradoxically, it also deprives me of any ability to make the first move, in any calculated, non-stupid way.
Comments (1)
I don’t have much experience in this area at all, but I was kind of a disaster when it came to dating…until the right person came along, who was patient enough to help me learn. And I’m still learning (oh yeah….). It’s been a year and a half, but I have 20 years of being hopeless!