Lincoln's Second Inaugural Address:

At this second appearing to take the oath of the presidential office, there is less occasion for an extended address than there was at the first. Then a statement, somewhat in detail, of a course to be pursued, seemed fitting and proper. Now, at the expiration of four years, during which public declarations have been constantly called forth on every point and phase of the great contest which still absorbs the attention, and engrosses the energies of the nation, little that is new could be presented. The progress of our arms, upon which all else chiefly depends, is as well known to the public as to myself; and it is, I trust, reasonably satisfactory and encouraging to all. With high hope for the future, no prediction in regard to it is ventured.

On the occasion corresponding to this four years ago, all thoughts were anxiously directed to an impending civil war. All dreaded it--all sought to avert it. While the inaugural address was being delivered from this place, devoted altogether to saving the Union without war, insurgent agents were in the city seeking to destroy it without war--seeking to dissolve the Union, and divide effects, by negotiation. Both parties deprecated war; but one of them would make war rather than let the nation survive; and the other would accept war rather than let it perish. And the war came.

One eighth of the whole population were colored slaves, not distributed generally over the Union, but localized in the Southern part of it. These slaves constituted a peculiar and powerful interest. All knew that this interest was, somehow, the cause of the war. To strengthen, perpetuate, and extend this interest was the object for which the insurgents would rend the Union, even by war; while the government claimed no right to do more than to restrict the territorial enlargement of it. Neither party expected for the war, the magnitude, or the duration, which it has already attained. Neither anticipated that the cause of the conflict might cease with, or even before, the conflict itself should cease. Each looked for an easier triumph, and a result less fundamental and astounding. Both read the same Bible, and pray to the same God; and each invokes His aid against the other. It may seem strange that any men should dare to ask a just God's assistance in wringing their bread from the sweat of other men's faces; but let us judge not that we be not judged. The prayers of both could not be answered; that of neither has been answered fully. The Almighty has his own purposes. "Woe unto the world because of offences! for it must needs be that offences come; but woe to that man by whom the offence cometh!" If we shall suppose that American Slavery is one of those offences which, in the providence of God, must needs come, but which, having continued through His appointed time, He now wills to remove, and that He gives to both North and South, this terrible war, as the woe due to those by whom the offence came, shall we discern therein any departure from those divine attributes which the believers in a Living God always ascribe to Him? Fondly do we hope--fervently do we pray--that this mighty scourge of war may speedily pass away. Yet, if God wills that it continue, until all the wealth piled by the bond-man's two hundred and fifty years of unrequited toil shall be sunk, and until every drop of blood drawn with the lash, shall be paid by another drawn with the sword, as was said three thousand years ago, so still it must be said "the judgments of the Lord, are true and righteous altogether."

With malice toward none; with charity for all; with firmness in the right, as God gives us to see the right, let us strive on to finish the work we are in; to bind up the nation's wounds; to care for him who shall have borne the battle, and for his widow, and his orphan--to do all which may achieve and cherish a just and lasting peace, among ourselves, and with all nations.

i've got some time to kill before i go to bed.  i should just go to bed since it's going to be a busy week, but i don't feel like it, so i have a choice between (1) writing people back on facebook whose messages i have been lazily neglecting, (2) browsing craigslist missed connections in hopes that may there's one that says tall, shaved head guy running in balboa park, or (3) writing here.  well, or i could read a book, but again, the laziness.

i had a huge deadline at work come and go last friday night, and everything got out on time.  this weekend was a huge relief, but also a major waste of time, spent mostly playing scrabble, sleeping, and thinking through this appeal brief i have to rewrite (but not actually writing -- just thinking about how great it will be to get praise for having rewritten it well).  it's hard been so stressed the majority of the time, because when i do get these windows with nothing to do, i have no idea what to do with myself.  maybe nothing is an acceptable answer, but it seems like shopping, or playing clarinet, or sitting at a coffee shop would be better -- just something concrete to have done with 48 hours that are going to be forgotten anyway, but now even more quickly than they otherwise would be.

do you ever feel like life is passing you by but you're powerless to do anything about it?  or not powerless so much as not sure what to do.  with me it's a mixture.  part of the problem is i don't know where to start.  the other part is that the ideas i have are terrifying, so i don't.

whenever i listen to wind ensemble music, i'm catapulted back to high school.  it was the last time i seriously played wind-centric music, and there is a lot about it i miss.  for whatever reason, good professional wind ensembles don't really exist.  nor do strong community ones.  the community wind ensemble is home to the lowest common denominator:  anyone whose aunt bought them a clarinet at a yard sale and gave it to them even though they've never played, or anyone who played saxophone in high school 30 years ago but not since.  that's the crowd of players you're dealing with.  and as for the pros, i don't know if it's a matter of there not being enough good repertoire, or there not being good repertorie because there are no pros, or any repertorie there is being 20th century and therefore unable to attract the dinosaur crowds that attend most classical performances, or some combination.  but so it is. 

there are good pieces though.  persichetti!  giannini!  holst!  but i forget about them, until one day one pops up in my playlist and i'm transported back in time.

there's something about wind music that reaches a different part of my emotional spectrum that orchestral stuff.  it's this sense of naive yearning.  there's sadness, but it's a knowing sadness.  knowing but naive?  yes.  conscious that it's sheltered, but embracing the shelter.  hopeful even though on some level it knows that hope is pointless.   but it hopes not all hope is. 

maybe it's not the music itself so much as what it brings back in me.  i connect it inextricably to a much earlier time in my life, and maybe that's why it brings back those feelings of so long ago, but through the lens of today.  i look back on myself then as naive, even though i was blissfully unaware at the time.  but there's a contentment in knowing that i had to grow through that, that it's shaped who i am and made me a better person, that there are parts of me from that time i will never outgrow -- remnants of an earlier age -- even though it might be better if i did.

for better or worse, i live each day trying to prove i'm a worthwhile person.  fearing that i'm not and that i'll be uncovered!  i didn't know that's what i was doing then.  i know it's what i'm doing now.  and i can't stop -- the feelings of inadequacy will always be with me.  i can say to myself, "this is irrational;" i can try to talk myself out of it.  but it will never work completely -- some doubt will still remain and an iota of doubt poisons the well. 

we all make choices and i'm not complaining about mine.  but it will be interesting if one day, in many years, i look back on myself now and say "wow, i was naive."  even as i know that i had to go through it.