October 10, 2006

• i don't know why but i can't stop thinking about her even though it was a few years ago that i was infatuated but recently it's come back to my mind.  one reason might be that my life has been blah lately.  there's no drama or excitement in my personal life, no current object of my affections.  and so i'm transported back to the time when there was excitement and was an object.  there's someone in the office i'm into... a staff member, not an attorney, but that would be a bad idea for many different reasons.  and so what are the other options.  all the reasons i could give to rationally explain why a relationship would be bad would all fall away if there were someone actually in the picture.  then it would happen anyway.  it's too bad when you don't keep in touch.  failing to do so probably illustrates how superficial it all was to begin with or how one-sided.  it's ironic because it might also indicate that you were too close and there's too much pain built up so you have to let it go and let silence do your talking for the foreseeable future.  but this isn't one of those, and in the latter instance i wonder whether it's really "too bad" that we didn't keep in touch at all.  no, "too bad" is wanted someone and never really having it resolved, instead having slid around it.  maybe avoiding that predictably awkward mutual understanding was for the best though.

  being honest with yourself is hard when you don't know what the truth is.  and some truths aren't the type that can be rationally discovered.  you don't know where the truth is or the methods by which to extract it.  maybe that's many more truths than i'd initially imagined.  does there come a time where you just have to fabricate a truth?  generate something to live by and then fucking stick with it.  the risk is that you're wrong and wake up 20 years later having lived a lie unless it wasn't a lie all those days because you didn't know whether it was the truth or not.  once you discover it's false, if you continue in the face of that then it's a lie.  in the interim, maybe you're just doing the best you can with the information available to you.  at least generating your own reality has the advantage that you're moving somewhere even if it's backwards.  that's better than living but being afraid to be alive.  (cf. henry james, the beast in the jungle.)  too bad she prefered edith wharton.  maybe i did too.

  what are the roots that clutch, what branches grow out of this stony rubbish? 

  • 3:23 am
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