November 6, 2006

• I've started running again the past couple of weeks, and it makes me feel really good.  Tonight was an esepcially good night, because I'd taken the last two nights off, but I bounced back and ran a much quicker, more painless 4 miles than usual.  My concern when I start running is forcing myself not to stop running again.  It's all about momentum -- incorporating it into your day so that, no matter what happens, you know you're going to knock it out at some point during the day.  At first it's tenuous -- you have a long day at work or there's a movie you want to go to and you don't want to run real late when you get home.  So these little excuses turn into days off that turn into weeks and months off.  But once you put enough days of running together, there comes a critical moment, beyond which a day or two of bad days of missed days won't turn into a complete collapse.  I'm not there yet, but at least I'm closer than I was this time three weeks ago.

  I went to a wedding last night, which was quite lovely.  It was very Christian, which gave me a lot to think about.  Because I actually agreed with a lot of what was said during the ceremony, but at the same time, I take it all a little less... seriously.  Which arguably means that I'm not taking it seriously at all; not really invested in a belief in God.  I don't think that's right though.  I feel I'm more a realist:  we can't be certain there's a God, but I do believe there's some higher power and Christianity on the whole seems worth believing.  It's just that, rather than invoking Jesus's name constantly, I think it better to invoke what he stood for -- love, loyalty, compassion, empathy.  And to the extent I think some principles of modern Catholicism are inconsistent with those values, I can't agree with them.  It's difficult, because I don't approve of cafeteria Catholicism, i.e., only believing the parts of a religion that are convenient for you to believe.  On the other hand, those who preach religion are as human as the rest of us, so who's to say they don't get it wrong sometimes.  It would be quite unhuman if they didn't.

  Anyway, so that gave me a lot to think about because I have my foot in both camps.  I can't completely dismiss Christianity; it's been a part of me since I was very young, and I do have respect for believe who are very serious in their faith.  But sometimes it meanders into the realm of the absurd, and the cynical part of me feels compelled to point that out. 

  Weddings bring out other emotions too.  It was really sweet and touching to see how in love the couple seemed to be.  They'd met in college, been together for years.  The wife's family seemed to know the husband and vice-versa and everyone seemed to genuinely like one another.  They had all these friends there, supporting them.  I'm a very jaded person, but deep down, I couldn't help be feel a strong sense of joy for these people.  Here are two people who found one another and deserve the happiness the other provides.  How wonderful for them.

  And how alone I am.  I say that in a matter-of-factual way, not a pitiful one.  It wasn't so much that I was depressed to be alone as I was conscious that I am alone.  The contrast was apparent, which isn't to say that two very different things can't both be good.  Being presented with the difference does make you think, though.

  There were some awkward points in the table conversation last night.  One prompted someone to ask me, "so who are you..." in that open-ended sort of way that represents both a desperate attempt to dispel boredom and perhaps draw out a complex existential response.  Well, I couldn't come up with anything on the spot, so the question didn't accomplish either of its instant objectives, but it did get me thinking seriously about it. 

  I still don't have a great answer.  I've reached a non-descript phase of my life.  I'm into law, and I have an endless array of opinions about all sorts of things involving it.  I like to read; I like classical music, and when I apply myself I can be a passable runner.  But a lot of my ups and downs have been replaced by a monotonous continuity.  It's been a while since I've been hopelessly infatuated with someone who I had no chance with.  Or desperately trying to save a relationship that was crashing and burning.  I haven't wanted to kill myself in a while.  What are the major issues that I face as a human being?

  If there is one, it's in trying to define whether I'm judgmental or accepting.  I draw this weird line, where I'll be accepting of anything my friends do, but I'm super catty and condescending about minor choices that people I don't know make.  This can be a problem though, because I think my new friends at work might mistake my openness about judging other people and discussing with them as a general cynicism that also includes me judging them.  But that's not so -- after all, I'm so judgmental of the general populace, that the people I wind up friends with, I usually have an enormous amount of admiration for.  Sure I make snide comments to them occasionally, but when you say something snide to someone to their face, you don't actually mean it.  (If you do, that'd be horribly cruel.) 

  It's all very complex though.  I'm insecure and in need of approval from others -- so I have this very touchy-feely streak in me.  But there's another part of me that's sarcastic and cold.  I don't know how the two parts co-exist, or if they actually both stem from the same discomfort in my own skin.  Whatever the situation, my biggest worry is that people see one aspect of the whole, assume that's all there is, and get a mistaken picture of me in their head. 

  That doesn't address who I am, as much as what I'm afraid others think I am, but it's the first thing that pops in my head as a potential response to the question.

  • 2:39 am
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